Fun time with Crypt Keeper @ 05:27 pm
So, I've really been hitting up the VA for health care lately and taking care of a lot of things that needed attention.
Including my weight.
They offer a "healthy weight loss" class for veterans. You are allowed to bring a guest. The focus is on healthy living and not "a diet." So far, so good. They've done great by me so far, so I give this a shot although part of me is dreading the same regurgitated advice I've been hearing for years. You never know though, right?
It was worse than I could possibly have imagined. First of all, the nurse in charge looked like the Crypt Keeper with a boob job. She was somewhere between 80 and embalmed in appearance, in a close-fitting sweater dress that showcased gravity- and logic-defying breasts. I would guess she was a size 2/4 and rocking a C or D cup. Considering that I had to be 100 pounds overweight before my boobs actually hit a D cup, I was... skeptical. I mean, I guess that size combination isn't impossible... but in a woman of her apparent age and body fat percentage? Unlikely.
I don't know how old she really was, but I'm pretty sure the VA wouldn't let her work there at the age of 80. People do work there as a second career, but I think they force retirement like any other federal agency, which is to say 65 for most and 72 at the latest. So basically, homegirl wasn't the picture of health. She didn't look like a smoker, but rather someone dying of cancer of the everything. So I decided that I would try to turn the bitch voice in my head off for the duration.
Second, her nutritional information was dated. When I first heard it. Over ten years ago. Everything was low fat/cal, with the caveat that the dietitian would talk to any diabetics about carbs. Given that she was flat out shocked that not a one of us fat fucks had diabetes already (repeatedly saying how 'lucky' we were because we hadn't developed it YET with the explicit statement that we ALL WOULD if we didn't lose weight), shouldn't she be telling *everyone* about carbs?
In the nutritional guidelines, they include milk AS A FOOD GROUP.
No one but fucking dairy farmers believe that. Seriously, milk isn't a food group, hasn't been in years. And she told us we should all switch to fat free milk, because that's healthier. Except that it is STRAIGHT SUGAR. (That's right, lac-TOSE is bad for sugar sensitive people. Who, other than chemistry students and anyone whose read a health periodical in the last decade, knew that?) Also, 90% of adult mammals are lactose intolerant. And everyone other than my cousin Joe knows that human beings are, in fact, mammals.
She presented a number of "statistics" about overweight and all its health risks. Except that anyone with a basic knowledge of medicine, or statistics, knows that a "health risk FACTOR" is a mathematical derivative. Not proof of causality. At all. Sloppy attribution of causality is probably my number one pet peeve.
Third, the Crypt Keeper is way, way more animated and interesting. Nurse Death's Head spoke in a quiet monotone with the general attitude that even she was bored and tired of this information. Perhaps if she'd reviewed ANY data on nutrition in the last two decades, she wouldn't have been quite so bored. I don't know, just sayin'.
I was the only person present who knew the number of calories in a pound. Of course, I also think that it doesn't matter nearly as much how much you eat as *what* you eat. After all, a Starter Log has over 10,000 calories but won't make you put on 3 pounds if you eat it.
Fourth, she kept going on and on about how healthy Europeans are compared to Americans because they are thinner.
I thought it was because the majority of them still smoke like chimneys, work 33% less per week than the average American, and have paternalistic regulations that have women *water their own breast milk* to avoid having a fat BABY. Less work = more exercise.
She went on to point out that European portions are much smaller than ours. True. They also eat multi-course meals, which we don't. And Europe has started having weight problems since the last economic crunch, when their work hours per week finally began to climb past 26 (on average) and they started having to resort to fast food sometimes.
Fourth, in response to someone saying that the "obese" weights didn't look that unhealthy to him, she said we would have to leave the country to see people who are a healthy weight.
All of us are fucking veterans, lady. We might have seen healthy weight people before. Additionally, by her own statistics, 60% of Americans are overweight. That means 4 out of 10 ARE NOT. So... not that hard to see someone who isn't overweight in real life, unless you live in a cave dedicating your life to the contemplation of the mysteries of the Venus of Willendorf.
Finally, she went on about the "jump" in obesity that has occurred in the last 2 decades without ONCE mentioning that the weight standards were revised down in the late 90's. So a bunch of people who didn't gain any weight went from "healthy" to "obese" overnight. I challenged her by pointing out that 18.5 didn't use to be considered healthy, and now it is (as a result of the change). Also, that most people who meet a person of that BMI think they are viewing someone with an eating disorder. She leapt to the defense of the (formerly) underweight, saying that she was a BMI of 20 or 21 and didn't think she looked that way.
No comment, Nurse Death Head.